I don't even know where to go with this blog anymore. I feel like my entire life is all about autism now. Last week, we took our baby to Alex's developmental pediatrician. We were worried because she turns 3 soon, and her issues are persisting, and some are worsening. As of right now, she is considered as having high-functioning autism. With very intense therapy (at least 3 hrs/day), she can probably go to a regular first grade. Our dr is amazing, and so full of hope, but this was so much to take in. The diagnosis didn't really surprise us, although I was thinking more PDD-NOS than autism, but the level of intervention that needs to happen NOW took me back. The dr did not mention all of this when he first saw Alex in September (I think it was) last year because Alex was already six. I just wonder how different things could have been if he had gotten intense, appropriate therapy at a much earlier age.

Then I remember taking Alex to his 15mo check-up and telling his then pedi about his issues. He totally dismissed me and said that I couldn't compare Alex to other kids because they all develop at different levels. I knew then that something was very wrong, and it took until Alex was almost 3.5 to even start early intervention. We switched pedi's around this time, and our new pedi immediately had me contact Early Intervention. When the school district assessed him as mild-moderate autistic, I refused to let them label him as such. So many other people around me told me he was not autistic, and I took that to heart. He did get EI, just not a specific program for autism. Did I do him a disservice all those years ago? We won't ever know, but my heart is breaking for those decisions in light of the new information we got for Emily. I just did not know any better. Please God, don't let my son blame me. Let him know that I have and always will love him and try my very best to do what is right by him. Please God, let him know this!

Therapy is not cheap. One program for Emily (the P.L.A.Y. Project) is $3,900 and another one (ABA based) is $9,600. If Emily is accepted into our school district's autism program (which our dev pedi helped to set up!), she will be getting a combination of PLAY and ABA. I still want to do at least the home-based PLAY Project because I think that will help Alex as well. At this point, I am praying for a miracle to be able to afford this. I have 3 more quarters to go before I finish my Masters, and I can start making some money. I am a bit panicked because Emily's therapy cannot wait for 3 quarters--it has to start now. I spent most of yesterday morning applying for grants, and I am praying that we get them.

Anyway, I need this blog to get all of this out of my system. I feel very alone most days, and I really don't have anyone to talk to about all of this.